Tackling loneliness
Tackling Loneliness
Finding the root cause(s) of this distress as well as the choices that propel a person to enter and experience this state of distress
Helping clients integrate the self and identity; self vs others; self with others; building resilience; boosting confidence; uncovering and understanding self-worth; dropping toxic norms and stereotypes.
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Loneliness is a state of mind, unlike an emotion or feeling, defined as a state when one feels where there is a desire for human contact and social connection. What’s more a person can feel lonely when they are alone or lonely when they are in a crowd of people.
Oxford dictionary defines state as ‘the mental, emotional or physical condition that a person or thing is in’. States are moments in time and thus can be altered an tackled by understanding the underlying reason(s) that lead to them. Loneliness even though is a state if not tackled or persists will be a feeling of loneliness, sometimes apathy that can at times also link to shame. However, psychologists stress that loneliness should not be confused with solitude. Loneliness stems from a perceived isolation, the sense that a person’s relationships do not meet their social needs.
Some causes of loneliness can be lack of meaningful social connections; lack of social connections; isolation. It can also be the result or additional state followed by an unpleasant event where the mutual identities or shared concepts of people are linked, eg. divorce; change of residence; change of friends or social circle. In addition to these causes, the stem and base lie in the aspects of self and even more so in identity/identification, joined with roles and various masks we put on that leads us to question who is our group, who do we belong with?
In 2015, psychology professor Julianne Holt-Lunstad of Brigham Young University led a meta-analysis of 70 papers involving more than 3.4 million participants followed over an average of seven years. The study found that a lack of social connections was as great a risk factor for early death as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, and that it constitutes a greater risk than such lifestyle risk factors as obesity and lack of exercise. Other recent studies have connected loneliness and social isolation with a range of health problems, including heart attacks, strokes, drug abuse, alcoholism, anxiety and depression. Loneliness is also quite widespread and over the past decade has really taken a toll on individuals. According to a 2014 report by Canada’s National Seniors Council, about half of people over the age of 80 report feeling lonely. This emotion is not limited to the elderly. A 2016 survey (PDF) by the American College Health Association of a Canadian cohort of 44,000 postsecondary students revealed that two-thirds of them reported feeling “very lonely” at some point in the previous 12 months. An online U.S. survey of 20,000 adults conducted in 2018 by the health insurer Cigna revealed that 40 percent of Americans said they lacked a meaningful relationship and felt isolated from others. A 2018 survey of 55,000 British citizens conducted for the BBC found that a third of respondents often feel lonely.
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As mentioned above, loneliness many times is linked to shame and it seems that there is stigma attached to being lonely. Many people believe that to admit they feel lonely is like admitting to a failure of yourself, on a very personal level and that by doing so an individual will be viewed as weak or a loser.
There is a split and lack of purpose that lies at its base. The feeling of loneliness is by far a state and it is a social state. As with emotions, there is a negative and a positive connotation as well as advantages and uses of each. Loneliness serves as a crucial tool for the process of natural selection and survival mechanism, as psychologist John Cacioppo notes and adds that early humans would have been at a disadvantage if isolated from a group and so it makes sense for loneliness to stir a desire for company.
What is the self?
The self is a result from self-consciousness joined with physicality, a recognition that ‘’I’’ experience and its my experience, ‘’I am’’. Self-awareness is the ability to be both subject and object to yourself and self-concept therefore is the sum total of the individual’s thoughts and feelings about himself or herself as an object (Rosenberg 1979).
Our concept of self is also composed of various identities, attitudes, beliefs, values, motives and experiences along with their evaluative and affective components (eg self-efficacy or self- esteem) in terms of which each individual define themselves.
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The Core of Self and Selves
Spiritual coach, Anne Matheson sees self -value and value of the self as a dance that flows in seven steps. These are self -awareness; self- worth; self -esteem; self -love; self -confidence; self -respect and self- realisation. Below we will look at self-awareness; self-worth; self-love and self-respect since they are selected as relevant to state and feeling of loneliness. (see also article ‘I am more than my name’).
Self-Awareness
Self awareness is awareness of your existence and that you are different to all other people around you, that you are you. This starts in infants around the age of two years old, when the child learns to distinguish himself/herself from his/her mother/father and understands their own noise, their own doing. The infant also understands how to create and shape surroundings thus acquiring certain patterns of control to help them achieve their desired goal/outcome. According to Courtney E.Ackerman(MA), ‘Self-awareness is the ability to see yourself clearly and objectively through reflection and introspection. ’In addition to this, Tasha Eurich(PhD) states that there are in fact two types/categories of self- awareness : ‘internal self-awareness’ which shows ‘how clearly we see our own values, passions, aspirations, fit with our environment, reactions (including thoughts, feelings, behaviours, strengths, and weaknesses), and impact on others’. The other, ‘external self-awareness’, is the understanding how others view us in terms of same factors as listed above. One isn’t favoured more than the other but rather an integrated whole of both gives a person advantage in their surroundings.
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Self-Worth
Self -worth is an understanding as well as acceptance that you have a quality of being and this quality of worth is the same for everyone on our planet. Rather than being developed, self -worth is uncovered and discovered through being emotionally honest with oneself as well as an increased understanding of yourself and others in your immediate environment. The basis of this value develops at the ages of 2-6 years and through the influence of mother and mothering. That being said, if the mothering influence isn’t there or if the mother herself has low sense of self-worth, this trait will properly not develop very solidly. If self-worth isn’t developed well and correctly, it can lead to a person becoming self-centred, ego-centric due to loss of one’s own true power. This in turn can lead to the person never fully becoming an adult, avoiding or keeping away from true intimacy, preventing oneself to fulfilment of one’s goals/dreams as well as the source of emotional pain.
Self-Love
Like self- worth, self- love is assimilated and uncovered, understood and accepted. It is defined by Anne Matheson as, ‘’the compassion and caring that you have and show to yourself, which you give to yourself’’. The giving, the commitment, intimacy, forgiveness and understanding oneself on a deeper level – ‘’to know thyself’’. When one has a strong sense of self love, their life is filled with security, safety, trust and belonging. This trait is a lifelong discovery and if it isn’t understood and accepted then a behaviour of self -serving may develop with a need for external approval, praise and external guarantees in life. The result of this is a sense of separation, feelings of loneliness (which are usually denied) and pain which further gives way to more pain and separation to continue. This concept and trait has been widely misunderstood and though some cultures have bridged the gap to understand and cultivate this, Western societies are predominately separated- as a community(external) and within oneself (internal). As expressed in article ‘’Kill Her or Become Her’’, our paradigm of ourselves is that of a society that has upheld high value in social media, empty comparisons, bullying, hate, shame and a general apathy towards one another. To know this doesn’t mean to view the world through a pessimistic lens but rather to be made aware and to choose which tools will make or break us, which paths will lead us to an accomplishment and greater realisation of ourselves with our potentials. Happiness will come, instead of striving for an idealist, post-card version of happiness, we should choose to challenge ourselves and our deeply embedded though forms to acquire skills to know how to adapt, how to change our state, our point of reference(s) and most importantly how to go about and live a life not exist in a life. To put it simply is to quote Oscar Wilde, ‘’to live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all’’.
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Self-Respect
Like self -confidence this trait is developed throughout life and is related to our level of appreciation of our emotional self. It is our ability to honestly express our emotions, admit to ourselves and others our failures and successes as well as the ability to take responsibility of our emotions. It is linked somewhat to the function of our ‘character’, our sense of purpose and our sense of authenticity in life. Here one is able to reflect and monitor oneself, to change and to grow and more importantly to feel that one deserves something and is ‘enough’ in life. When self -respect is not fully developed or weakened, it can easily be replaced by self -indulgence and this may lead also to a false sense of self- righteousness. In addition to this, since it is linked to our emotional self, it can create blockages with in the areas of emotional honesty; heightened fear of abandonment, rejection, betrayal, humiliation, hurt, anxiety and anger which further spirals into jealousy, blame, envy, hate and punishment.
What is Identity?
Identity refers to who or what one is and the various meanings attached to oneself by self and others. The concept of self -identity refers to the self- characterizations individuals make in terms of group memberships, social roles and categories as well as the various character traits an individual displays and other attribute to them on basis of her/his conduct. To put it in a nutshell, identity is the most public aspect of self.
Personality
Personality, in general refers to the various psychological traits, motivations, dispositions and patterns of thinking and feeling. ( Singer and Kolligian 1987). Please note that we will not delve here into depth of personality theory or clinical psychology but rather only mention its definition in brief terms.
All in all, the self is then a part of personality that is aware of itself and defines itself in terms of these qualities.
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What is Identification?
The process of identification and self-dynamics, reveals that individuals have multiple identities and these identities are in fact active agents which influence one’s behavioural choices. They thus provide behaviour with meaning, goals and purpose(Foote, 1951).
Thus the notion of self and identity are separate. Identity is not a substitute word for self but rather a situatedness of the person in terms of standing in the context of a particular relationship or group.
What are roles and Role Identity?
A role(or roles) and role identity(identities) is(are) the aspect that a person constructs within their character as representation of an individual within a particular social position and social structure. The multifaceted nature of self (each being an identity) is tied to a multifaceted nature of society (McCall and Simmons, 1966). This further means that the more complex society is within and around its structures, the greater the need for more roles and identities to exist within it as members.
What is Social Identity?
As the famous generalisation yet valid statement states, ‘’we are all social beings’’, social identity emphasises how group membership and belonginess have consequences for interpersonal and intergroup relations. In the process of searching for a positive sense of self, people compare their group with relevant other groups and act to create a favourable distinction between the groups, this can be at times with negative consequences for intergroup relations (for example conflict/discrimination). By searching for the self in others, we categorize others as having purpose for our own social identity.
Integration and Transformation
Awareness
When one is unaware, one is separate, in separation we build walls and defences and keep the loop of pain, emotions and other imprints, not understanding the prison we create unconsciously. We create multiple images of ourselves with certain expectations of each, certain roles and personas, but is it possible to live without an image of ourselves? The first step in resolving our ‘crisis’’ is through awareness and attention, through stepping out of our perceptual positions and taking a choice, giving a chance to experience something differently. The self is individual as it is collective, the self is aware as it is unaware, the self is an ongoing process and an invitation towards discovery of who one is independent of labels, stereotypes, identities and identifications.
Wholeness
Through integrating the unconscious mind and the conscious; tackling the frame of reference, understanding the choice(s) to be made and the willingness to take the necessary steps to a whole and unified self.
Choice:
What choices have we made to be here and what choices will we make to change
What is our intention
What is our goal and outcome
Research from article by Banks, Kerry(2019, February 19). Loneliness: the silent killer. University Affairs. Retrieved from https://www.universityaffairs.ca/features/feature-article/loneliness-the-silent-killer/.