Couples & Relationships
Couples & Relationships
What is you and what is your partner, how to integrate the male & female within each other; how to establish & grow relationships or outgrow and leave if needed.
Help clients overcome and resolve issues in relationships or marriage; help couples integrate themselves as individuals and as a whole in relationships; help clients start relationships as well as build them; intimacy problems and resolution; re-establishment of trust; trust building and maintaining; growing as a couple; ending relationship or marriages and understanding.
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How do relationships begin, develop, change and either improve or end? Our focus here will be on romantic relationships and couples in particular as well as the dynamics in such a domain. The development and stages of development of such relationships are reflective of the unfolding of social exchanges. As proposed by the theory of Social Exchange, the development of relationships is reflective of the rewards and costs of maintaining a relationship as opposed to ending it. Some of the factors that motivate individuals to build relationships are: physical attractiveness, similarity in attitudes/values/beliefs as well as mutual liking.
Attraction is defined as an occurrence when two people become aware of each other and so find one another appealing or enticing at the same time. Through the numerous work and research of various investigators in the field of romantic relationships, a model known as ABCDE model has shown useful in indicating a blueprint outlining the various stages/phases of such relationships, these are: attraction; building; continuation; deterioration; and ending. (Berscheid& Reis, 1998; Dindia & Timmerman, 2003; Hendrick & Hendrick, 2000; Honeycutt & Cantrill, 2001; Levinger, 1980).
Starting a relationship
The way you communicate and especially nonverbally will contribute to if you will or will not start a relationship. The role of ‘opening line’ in a greeting or ‘small talk’ coupled with the tonality of your voice, your gestures and your facial expressions (naming just important features) are all crucial to the start of something with one or more people. Another critical feature is eye contact and directly looking at a person’s eyes when talking. Here it is to be noted that there is no such concept as a universal body language since its respective to a person’s individual preferences, their state, their culture etc. For example, avoiding eye contact shows lack of interest, as generalization but it can also be a cultural orientation, for this it is important to remember the differences and variations in individuals. Nevertheless its equally important to note that stereotypical behaviours and generalizations even cliches do work because they are programmed so very deeply into the minds of individuals and repeated/practised until they become a norms which are usually (though not always) mainly unconscious.
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Role of Self-Disclosure
Self-disclosure or ‘opening up’ plays a central role to building intimate relationships (Ben Ze’ev, 2003; Dindia & Timmerman, 2003). The extent to which we disclose as well as the content and more importantly when we disclose what, are crucial elements in building relationships. Additionally self-disclosure can build through a course in relationships and open the way for trust and sharing of intimate feelings. An initial self-disclosure and successful small-talk can be mutually rewarding and progress to feelings and likability between two people. Here we are talking about surface contact, defined as ‘a probing phase of building a relationship in which people seek common ground and check out feelings of attraction’.( Collins & Miller, 1994). An important development in the realm of continuation of relationship is the concept of mutuality. Mutuality is defined as, ‘’a phase in building a relationship in which members of a couple come to regard themselves as ‘’we’’ , no longer as two ‘’I’’s who happen to be in the same place at the same time’’( Neff & Harter, 2003). The relationship in this way allows to be deepened, the future is looked at in both ways as an implication of cognitive interdependence, likewise the needs and desires of each partner as assessed and considered.
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Intimacy
Intimacy is the cluster of feelings of emotional connectedness with another person as well as a desire to share most inmost thoughts and feelings. Along with sex, intimacy is one of the key elements found in passionate relationships ( Love & Brown, 1999) as well as responsible for the growth of romantic relationships as well as their development (Nieder & Sieffge-Krenke, 2001). Intimate relationships are characterized by the presence of these factors: trust, care, and acceptance.
Honesty is a core feature of intimacy since it involves sharing of the deepest thoughts and feelings. Honesty can be defined as the ability to say what one means, bearing in mind also not to hurt a person by being frank or brutally critical.
Intimacy has a strong correlation with self-esteem, as usually it is suggested that in order to know and like others we should first know and like ourselves. How you value yourself, how you identify with yourself, your feelings and needs as well as the security to be able to share such things. Research by Murray & Holmes (2000) has suggested that partners with low self-esteem are more likely to be doubtful in romantic relationships and this may interfere with the relationship’s maintenance as well as its development. For example, if one partner has a ‘bad mood’, if the other partner has low self-esteem they will tend to feel responsible for that mood as well as rejected (Bellavia & Murray, 2003). On the other hand, too much self esteem may take the form of narcissism, where a series of love games are played with between the narcissist and their partner, in addition to that narcissists have a tendency to less commitment and not much(or any) compromise which leads them to look for handy alternatives if relationships don’t work out (Campbell et al., 2002).
Importance of Trust
Trust is a belief, ‘’ the belief that somebody/something is good, sincere, honest, etc. and will not try to harm or trick you ( Oxford Dictionary). It is the ingredient that enables partners to feel that by sharing intimate feelings will not lead to ridicule or rejection but rather acknowledgement and acceptance or empathy of some kind. Trust, like self esteem, is focused first and foremost on the self as an individual and if it has not be learned/developed or has been violated/misused or distorted will lead to an inability to maintain relationships. Worse still is the internal conflicts that are faced and experienced as a result not only to one-self but to the other partner.
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Mutual Cyclical Growth
Commitment and trust in a relationship can be viewed as developing according to the model of Mutual Cyclical Growth: the need for one’s partner promotes commitment; commitment promotes acts that enhance the relationship; and these acts build trust thus increasing one’s partner’s commitment to the relationship.
Care and Caring
Caring can be linked to the emotion of ‘empathy’, caring refers to an act as an emotional expressional related to empathetic of another or one-self. Empathy, is our scope to feel or try to understand another person’s experience from within their internal frame of reference- to experience something from the perceptual position of the second person. Caring also encompasses the ability to satisfy each others needs or gratify each other’s interests and if necessary make some sort of sacrifice(s). The willingness to sacrifice has been connected to: commitment to the relationship; level of satisfaction in the relationship; as well as poor alternatives to the relationship (Van Lange et al., 1997).
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Commitment
Truly intimate relationships are marked by a commitment(s) served in order to maintain the relationships through all its phases even the most unpleasant ones. In committed relationships, there is a fine balance between individuality and mutuality since a strong sense of togetherness does not and should not abolish individuality and freedom of self. A healthy union between two people is one where neither person seeks to dominate or submerge themselves into the personality of the other and each one of them can maintain their individual interests, values, needs and goals.
Communication
According to NLP concepts, communication can be seen to consist of three levels:
- Linguistic: the words the speaker uses (also theit linguistic structure and patterns).
- Tonal: the tone; volume; cadence which accompanies the words
- Physiological: also known as non-verbal, such as facial expressions; visual cues; gestures; posture; breathing; skin colour changes; body part movements
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As has been noted above, there are no universals in body language however Professor Albert Mehrabian proposes (based on research into different cues for liking/disliking someone) that it can be broken down to the following:
Most communication can be distinguished as being predominately non-verbal and least verbal, with 7% linguistic; 38% tonal; and 55% nonverbal. Non verbal communication is most unconscious and although there are ways how to be more aware of this domain, this communication is either taken for granted or utilized in erroneous ways. When effectively understood, individuals can make different choices in regards to themselves and others and alter or resolve certain situations or complications. Likewise by being aware or made aware of certain non-verbal traits we can dive into the journey of self-discovery as to how and why we chose to unconscious adapt such behaviours, additionally how this will affect or does affect others.
Rapport
This can be defined as the state of unconscious responsiveness. Rapport between two people is established when one person responds to another by matching and mirroring(unconsciously) their body movements and tonal qualities. In the area of relationships, strong and fruitful relationships will have high rapport while the opposite happens of other ones. Rapport is lost or disturbed in arguments however can be returned swiftly as resolution of conflict is secured. Rapport is the most essential tool in effective communication and it’s a quality of skill that can be learned and revised.
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Art of Listening and Dynamics
Virginia Satir was a well- known psychotherapist, often labelled as the ‘mother of family therapy’, in the 70’s NLP creators, John Grinder and Richard Bandler were interested in her work as well as her strategies in management of therapy and her well-known art of listening. Below through their joined work and observation are the five categories of observed patterns Virginia has noticed through her distinctive work with numerous clients. She noticed a synchrony and pattern that exists amongst family members and especially couples, where one assumes a type or trait (see below) and the other in order to balance will assume another. This oddly enough happens unconsciously even though some of these categories could be respective to certain character/personality traits of the person prior to relationship. In order for the dynamics (constructive or destructive) to exist between two people, there is a tendency of them to display some of the below presentations. In addition to this, what’s interesting to note is that we can also use these categories as useful tools to observe ourself and our environment along with perceptual positions in order to create more choice and evaluate our behaviour and patterns.
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Satir Categories
With relevance to above, these are:
- Blamer: These people can be categorized as taking a physiology of hunched shoulders, with fingers outstretched (like finger pointing), voices are usually high pitched and their language and general stance is one of blame. They are mainly focused in first person perceptual position and may have a tendency to think they are usually right and don’t like to compromise, the fault would never fall to them and ‘others are to blame’. Usually Satir found that in order to balance, they often would couple with a Placator. It is also observed that the more the blamer blames, the more the Placator ‘placates’ and apologizes.
- Placator: These people can be categorized as taking the physiology of arched back with shoulders usually rounded and dropping low (like an apologetic stance), the knees would slightly be bent, the palms are usually up and the stance is one of apology, usually typical also of stances people take when they are sorry and feel blame or guilt.
- Distractor: These people can be categorized as taking a rather asymmetric physiology, that is head will be on one side while torso in another direction (good example would be the villain Joker), certainly true to that analogy, distractors love to joke about and their mode of conversation are jokes and sarcasm which they tactfully use to avoid direct answers. They also utilize a ‘go around’ or avoidance of certain topics, often marked by drama and dramatic shifts in voice tonality and body language. They are indeed magnetic personalities and can be charismatic as well as ‘’all over the place’’. It is therefore observed that in order to balance, they would often couple with Computers, who are more calm, cool and rather distant, the very opposite of drama.
- Computer: These people can be categorized as taking on a physiology of upright almost ‘perfect’ posture however they appear very stiff, wooden and disassociated. They also have a tendency to walk up and down when thinking or in general (like the stereotypical professor or scientist) with also holding their hands on the chin and in deep thought, though their faces may be at times expression less. They operate on logic, rationality and information gathering and utilizing.
- Leveller: These people can be categorized with a very aligned physiology, that is upright and straight yet not like Computer ‘stiff’ but rather natural and relaxed. Their body is square on, the palms are facing the floor, usually noted at being about 15cm apart and a stance that appears will settle matters, balance and ‘set things straight’. These people will usually observe both sides of matters and then find a middle path that works for majority. It is due to this reason, they would find balance with any other above type. The Leveller has also been noted to be a good base or format one is to strive to reach in cases of conflict and in order to find balance, this type can be very educational to all people regardless of situations they are in.
Importance of Perceptual Positions
A perceptual position is your mode of operation, that is the experience of the given environment or situation based on your five senses as well as your filters. By changing and shifting our positions to the other as well as the third person as the observer, we can learn to understand what is that person’s experience as well as wholeness. Excellent to use as a tool in conflict resolution when one person or both are stuck in their positioning or ideas with reluctance or inability to conceive the matter through different perspectives.
Emotions vs Feelings
Emotions are just expressions, a feedback that it expressed by the body through sensations and feelings. They are categorized, labelled and filtered through the mind and called anger; rage; worry; anxiety or fear. We have certain feelings which connected to thought and thought processes which in turn connect to somatic processes of emotional expressions. Through our state, the unconscious mind and its signals along with our thought patterns (and imprints) prompts us to have an experience of an emotion. The feelings and sensations are not the same as the label we assign to emotion but repetitive thought and automatization of our minds through habits and learning have created labels for each emotion and what they mean. What truly is felt, its intensity and extent along with the finer components of our internal reference structure may be far away from the label, what’s more every person experiences differently each nominalization, also known as emotions.
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The Unconscious Mind and Emotions
Our unconscious mind expresses itself through feelings and sensations in the body, as well as habits and habitual practices, for example: feeling pain, feeling dizzy etc.
The conscious mind tries to make sense of the environment internally and externally, naturally since its domain is language and structure, it assigns labels to these unconscious processes. Emotions felt in the body are sensations and through our mind and filters we nominalize this experience and express it as emotion. When this is done, we loose touch with the true feeling and may find ourselves too busy trying to explain an emotion and forgetting or even at times altering the original sensations/feelings experienced in the body at certain locations.
The key to change lies within the unconscious mind restructure and bringing it forward as homework for the conscious mind.
Jung and Alchemy of Sol & Luna
Jungian interpretation of the language of a mystical union is of Sol and Luna, which symbolize the conscious and unconscious, the conjunction of the two produce Mercury which is associated element of communication. According to Jung, the path for personal growth involved a psychological maturing and developing of the self. The self is here ascertained as the personal soul that connects each one with the Universe, and is thus represented as the symbol of mandala and completion.
Love relationships therefore can be seen as a transformational process, where inner awareness can be utilized as a tool for understanding and changing thus growing.
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Erotic Soul Relationship
Psychotherapist Jay Ramsay, author of Crucible of Love, defines the ‘alchemical’ stages of an ‘erotic soul relationship’. The first stage, ‘coniunctio’ is when two people come together and enter a period of love and relative harmony and at this stage each partner presents the best sides of one another. The second stage, ‘nigredo’, is a drab phase where each partner tries to change one another. In the comfort of a strong relationship it is in this phase that the feeling of safety to be more open to express disappointments, grief or trauma of the past. As in relation to the theory of Jungian analysis, this stage requires the breaking up of two separate egos in order for the real work of relating to one another to commence. The third stage, ‘solutio’, is the purifying phase, as personal egotism descends, the deeper essence of each partner can manifest and the alchemy process begins on a very fundamental level. Here partners can learn the art od listening and drop expectations, judgements and bias. Here each individual learns to be themselves in the relationship whilst at the same time committing to being together. It is at this stage that the integration of Animus and Anima are crucial, as this stage is the union of the opposites. Finally, ‘rubedo’ stage, is where two people can now be independent while appreciating their togetherness in a union that is greater than the combination of these two people. Together the two people have a shared vision and thus can direct their energy outwards with also an increased awareness of their fundamental connection with the world.
Animus and Anima
According to psychoanalyst Carl Jung, there is a concept of complementary-gendered attributes in each individual, this needs to be integrated in order to develop a more complete personality.
Jung associated women’s psychology with the principle of Eros (Love) as psychic relatedness while men are associated with Logos (the word) as reason. Furthermore, there exists as in the symbolic expression of Ying Yang, a dark in the light and a light in the dark; a female in the male and male in female-Animus and Anima.
Anima is described as feminine side of man and animus as the unconscious male principle in a woman. Both animus and anima are crucial aspects to self- development and a principality of a complete and integrated self.
Jung’s theory and its implications further assert that, a negative animus (masculine principle) could lead to domineering, opinionated, egoistical and controlling aspects of one’s personality. While a negative anima (feminine principle) diminishes and makes women moody, bitchy, controlling, needy and demanding. When men integrate their feminine side, they reclaim their emotions, instinctual responses and their intuitive connection with others (empathy). When women integrate the masculine side the reclaim their independence, have a focused sense of direction and personal power.
Integration and Transformation
Wholeness
Through integrating the unconscious mind and the conscious; tackling the frame of reference, understanding the choice(s) to be made and the willingness to take the necessary steps to a whole and unified self.
Awareness:
When one is unaware, one is separate, in separation we build walls and defences and keep the loop of pain, emotions and other imprints, not understanding the prison we create unconsciously.
Choice:
What choices have we made to be here and what choices will we make to change
What is our intention
What is our goal and outcome